If 100 is the endpoint, my "rainbow" has already drawn nearly a quarter, and it's time to leave some words to mark this time node. I don't know when the rain outside the window will stop. Looking into the distance, Hotel California is playing on repeat in my headphones. Yes, living in "fantasy", all the prosperity is just an illusion in the end.
There haven't been any major changes in work and life this year, like the sea occasionally stirring up waves and then returning to calm. I have a deeper understanding of work and life, and I am beginning to understand the meaning of work and what I truly want.
I have floated for more than ten years
Shining in the starry sky, with a sense of loss
This confused and bewildered youth
Wishes to devote his life to singing, immersing in every day that never changes
- Leslie Cheung, "When the Wind Rises"
Work#
Although I haven't been working for a long time, I have experienced three stages from busy to stable to numbness. The busyness comes from the fact that the company is a startup. After the project is approved, we immediately start hacking an MVP for release, and then polish the product based on user feedback. I hadn't encountered many of the technologies before, so I kept shuttling between various documents to learn. I also lamented that I was a "frog in a well" before. The huge bubble is not everything, there is a broader sky outside.
The "honeymoon period" of work is always short-lived. After the project and technology become relatively stable, work becomes a means of making a living rather than realizing self-worth. For a period of time, I complained in my heart about issues like "this job doesn't allow me to grow" and "the project's technology stack is stable but lacks innovation". I also wrote down some thoughts on work and people. The numbness towards this job stems from the management's focus on quickly launching the MVP and ignoring user feedback, as well as the lack of recognition for the developers' efforts in iteration, resulting in dissatisfaction from both developers and users, and ultimately the project being abandoned.
I have also tried changing jobs, but due to issues such as education and experience, many times my resumes are met with silence. One night, I couldn't sleep and looked at the ceiling, and I figured out a lot of things:
- Work is just a means of making a living. Not everyone can do a job they love, and not everyone can make technical progress from their work.
- The realization of self-worth comes from life outside of the eight hours, such as side projects and becoming an influencer.
- The important thing is not the tool to solve the problem, but the methods and thoughts used.
- Meeting users' needs is the key to the long-term success of a product.
Life#
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The unchanging daily routine may have contributed to my numbness and weariness towards work: living and working in the same area, having meals at convenience stores along the way, and studying English and reading hacker news after work. Until one day, a typhoon came and I was trapped in a snack shop unable to return. The raindrops falling into the small puddles on the ground created ripples, and at that moment, I shed tears because I was trapped and because I heard the voice inside me again. Life was originally colorful, but repetition and monotony turned it into a dull black and white.
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When I was a child, a serious illness caused me to become the "fat boy" in the eyes of others due to taking many hormone medications. I was subjected to ridicule and mockery. I became "quiet" and "silent", unwilling to communicate with the outside world. I comforted myself by saying that as long as they knew what that nickname represented, it was enough. Fortunately, I later met some friends who didn't mind my body shape and helped me a lot. Although I later lost weight, my introversion persisted and added some difficulties to my life. I still remember my first job interview was with Alibaba in which I stumbled through the questions for a long time before answering them. The first time I found a foreign tutor to practice spoken English, words came out one by one, and I felt embarrassed listening to myself.
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Each transition between stages has always been triggered by events that pushed me to the bottom and made me bounce back. I remember in junior high school, I didn't have any hope for the future as an average student, but I unexpectedly ranked high in the exams. It turned out that a little effort could bring "abundant" rewards, so I worked hard and eventually got into a prestigious high school in the city. My language exam scores were not ideal several times, and I secretly gave myself an ultimatum, but in the end, I pushed myself one more time and the results were unexpectedly better than I had expected. I wasn't as bad as I had imagined. Last year, I went through a period of confusion. I didn't know how to improve technically, and the environment at that time made me feel anxious and uneasy. I didn't have any friends around to answer my doubts, so I reached out to some "strangers" through social media messages and emails with a mindset of trying anything. Fortunately, I received many enthusiastic answers and saw the beauty of asynchronous communication. Perhaps this world is not as cold as imagined.
However big the problem, tell your heart, "all is well, pal."
- "3 Idiots"
Conclusion#
Looking back, the current me is the result of the past parameters. Maybe I didn't adjust the parameters well, or maybe this model of mine is not good at dealing with "life" issues. Life is really unpredictable. Can I become a better version of myself after this "parameter adjustment"?
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.
- Steve Jobs
Thank you to everyone who has interacted with me on social media. I will always remember your generosity. I wish you a smooth and happy life.
Goodbye 24. 25, nice to meet you.