With the chilly winter wind, I stood on the balcony and looked into the distance. There were towering buildings everywhere, and I didn't know where there was a piece of sky that could accommodate myself. I took a sip of coffee, bitter yet flavorful, just like my experiences this year, so I decided to leave this piece.
"Even if we are lucky enough to stay away from pain, we will approach boredom. If we stay away from boredom, we will approach pain." - Arthur Schopenhauer
Work#
After realizing my mediocrity, I slowly began to accept my current situation. Although I am not very satisfied with the time and content of my current job, it provides me with plenty of free time and a decent income to get by. I am also "looking for a better opportunity" in my work, but personal issues often bother me - I don't react quickly to interviewers' questions in my mind, and I get nervous and anxious for no reason when I encounter major events. Although these issues can be alleviated to some extent through a certain number of interviews, repeated failures have made me doubt myself - am I really suitable for programming?
During the pandemic, remote work has become an indispensable part of life, but combining strict attendance with remote work seems somewhat pathological. While working from home, I have experienced being fined several times for not clocking in and out at noon. The lack of trust from the boss, the lack of a sense of "security" without control, and the misunderstanding of non-linear output from programmers are all reasons why I am eager to escape from this company. In addition, there are some strange work schedules, such as scheduling 21 days for the UI team, but only giving programmers 20 days, and both starting work at the same time.
Learning#
Fortunately, my current job does not require overtime. As long as I complete the tasks within the schedule, I have a lot of time to "recharge" myself. Since I don't have a leader or mentor to guide my learning direction, I asked GeekPlux on Twitter about the learning path for front-end and visualization (here, I would like to thank him for patiently answering my questions).
I haven't read many technical books this year, but they are all in areas that interest me. First, because I bought a VPS, I read "Docker Deep Dive" and played around with the Docker environment, running a few small projects on the VPS.
"Effective TypeScript" is a book for those who have just learned TypeScript and want to write TypeScript well (it seems that most books in the "effective" series are like this). "Data Visualization" mainly covers what data visualization is, how to do data visualization, the effects and uses of data visualization. It is very suitable for readers who want to thoroughly understand data visualization. I read part of it when I was writing my thesis, and now I am "completing" the whole book.
My learning method is basically to build something first, and then search and expand on the knowledge points from there. For example, I was interested in Three.js before, so I started by following online tutorials to create some demos using Three.js, and then delved into the WebGL behind Three.js. I went through "WebGL Programming Guide" to understand WebGL, and then started to delve into OpenGL, which is currently the field I am studying. Since I haven't written modern C++, I read "Advanced C++ Programming" to catch up. This book is also suitable for students who have some C++ programming experience and want to understand C++ from a more engineering perspective.
This way, Three.js -> WebGL -> OpenGL -> C++ -> computer graphics forms a learning path that suits me.
Life#
If I had to summarize my life this year in one word, it would be "breakthrough". I am someone who is quite resistant to change and likes to stay in my comfort zone. In the face of major changes such as failing the postgraduate entrance examination and working in a strange city, I have challenged my "inertia" time and time again. I am grateful to Chris, Steve, and ysh for their answers and help when I was in a panic.
The day before I was about to start working in a new city, I had the opportunity to meet my friend Xiao Long, whom I hadn't seen for 8 years. We talked about recent developments and dreams by the Pearl River. We sighed about our youthful vigor and carefree days in college, and also showed some confusion about the future. We were once young people with dreams, but now we have lowered our heads to reality.
Pessimism, perhaps, is a negative attitude, but I am willing to use it to see the dark side of life and make the worst plans for things. In the context of the COVID-19 pandemic, endless testing and scanning codes have not seriously affected daily life, but they have added many "must-dos" to daily life. Worries about not being able to enter the office building or the residential area due to expired codes, my inner self sarcastically mocks my "shelf life" as not even as good as the toast I eat every day. Although a large-scale "awakening" came in December, the price is evident. Who can be sure that it will not "fall asleep" again? Maybe things will get better if I change cities, maybe not.
In front of the "shadow", I see a path, a path that I never imagined. I started to step out of my comfort zone and tried to learn English and take the IELTS exam. At first, I didn't understand the types of questions and the duration of the exam, so I aimlessly searched for information online. Here, I would like to thank Chris for his online courses and question clarification. After that, I read about WildCat's experience of taking the IELTS exam while working, and also consulted a lot of related details and methods. After arranging my schedule, everything is progressing in an orderly manner.
Entertainment#
I am a relatively quiet person. Instead of socializing and dining with others, I prefer to spend my leisure time on reading, cycling, and watching movies to improve myself.
In terms of non-technical books, I don't have a specific focus area. Most of my book choices come from recommendations on Twitter. "Make Time" introduces methods of "squeezing time" to achieve the completion of most important tasks and overall improvement. "The Blade Itself" tells the story of a protagonist's self-discovery, which I deeply admire. The book does not have fancy words, but it has a powerful impact. Reading "Nonviolent Communication" made me understand that the rupture of an intimate relationship often stems from one party neglecting the needs of the other party, and both parties not clearly expressing their own needs.
Combining the current background with "Work, Consumerism, and the New Poor" may seem "familiar," but it mainly enlightens us on why this "environment" exists. "The Nine-Box Grid Writing Method" is about how to write long articles without losing information, and it is recommended for friends who are just starting to write blog posts.
"The Jobs" and "Mr. Iwata" are biographies of two gentlemen whom I respect the most. One of them pursues perfection in products and strives for excellence in every detail; the other adds ingenuity to products and brings surprises to users every time.
In terms of TV series, the best one I watched this year is "Better Call Saul". The protagonist Jimmy is not as talented as Walter White in Breaking Bad, but his love for clever tricks, exceptional social skills, and ordinary background create a connection between this character and the audience. It is worth mentioning that the cinematography of this series is stunning, and the visual language is almost indistinguishable from movies. The bright colors make each frame look like wallpaper. I recommend watching "The Beauty Of Better Call Saul" on YouTube to learn more.
After watching "Cyberpunk: Edgerunners", I felt drowsy for a week, not because David and Lucy didn't have a happy ending, but because the background is a cyberpunk world, a background destined for tragedy, a background that is despairing.
"Severance" is a series that made me think deeply after watching it. Its background of "Work Life Balance Completely" and the way it connects the clues in the final episode are very satisfying.
"I used to think there was a kind of bird that, once born, would fly its entire life, until the day it died. It never went anywhere, it never did anything, it never even moved. It just died. And I've come to realize that I'm that bird, that I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not doing anything. And I'm just going to die." - "Days of Being Wild"
Due to the sudden decrease in leisure time after starting work, I have become more selective in choosing movies. "Days of Being Wild" showcases the different perspectives of the two main characters, Yuddy and Tide, on life, which I think is the highlight of this movie. Yuddy's recklessness and cynicism, in my opinion, even border on nihilism. Under the contrast of Tide's down-to-earth and methodical approach, Yuddy's character appears more "illusory" and "glamorous," especially in the conversation between Yuddy and Tide in the last part of Yuddy's life, which is even more profound.
After watching "Taxi Driver," I didn't feel relieved. On the contrary, I saw many shadows of myself in the protagonist. Working alone in a big city, with only a straight line between the office and home, no social life, and limited communication with others, except for occasional interactions with colleagues and some IM software, the low salary makes the future seem bleak. I want to break free from the current situation, see hope in despair, but in the end, it returns to despair.
Finally, I looked back at the New Year's vision I left at the beginning of the year, and I probably only completed about half of it. Some were not completed due to time constraints, while others were due to uncontrollable circumstances. Therefore, I don't plan to set a vision for next year. I will explore and move towards general goals. Always exploring!
"We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for." - John Keating
Thank you for reading this far despite my poor writing skills. I hope everyone can become a better version of themselves next year. See you next year.